The Mother Wound….

These words have been brewing within me for some time, just waiting for the moment they would be written, released out into the world for others to see my pain, my shame, my heartbreak. Current events have brought this to the forefront of my thoughts and emotions so here goes…

The Mother wound is the most painful wound we experience and for women it is particularly difficult. It colours everything we do , how we behave with every person we come in contact with, every relationship we become involved in and how we express and feel our emotional side. If you were not mothered well, if your mother was absent, or abusive in any way you will have a wound. This wound is deep, so deep in fact many of us do not realise we have it until we have grown and matured enough to gain insight into our deep inner world.

My mother has never been stable and I believe she has an un-diagnosed mental illness that causes extreme mood swings, her to be cruel, manipulative and extremely controlling. She was not the type to hug you or tell you she loved you but was ready to put you down or slap you at the nearest opportunity. She never had a good grip on reality, was a compulsive liar and that coupled with a violent alcoholic father that beat his wife five nights out of seven ensured I lived in survival mode for the better part of my childhood. I understood early in the peace that I had to protect my younger siblings as much as I was able, as well as trying to keep myself together. I became the parent to my brother and sister and looked after them.

Finally when I was 18 I got the opportunity to escape the chaos that was my home and left my whole family behind as I could not cope any more, my gentle soul was slowly dying like a flower that has not been watered and nurtured. The violence, blood, deceit, manipulation and betrayal had become more than I was able to deal with so I consequently left behind my parents, my siblings, my relatives and anyone that knew or had a relationship with my parents… I was on my own, deeply wounded, sick to my soul and fearful.

The first few years were incredibly difficult as I stumbled through life trying desperately to find the fragments of myself and piece them back together after an extremely painful and toxic childhood. I looked to women older than myself for guidance as I was so confused and unsure what it was to be an adult woman. Of course I chose the wrong men but fortunately not the alcoholic/violent ones, I promised myself I would never get involved with my ‘father’ in a love relationship. Rather I chose the nasty, spiteful ones just like my mother.

It wasn’t until I began 12 months of intense therapy and started studying Tarot and Astrology that I could really identify what the constant heart wrenching pain was, those 4 years of learning changed myself and my life. I had been going through this excruciating pain for so long it had become a part of me and when times got tough I spewed out the poison that had been my life up until then. My emotions were so raw they frightened off anyone that got close enough to experience them. I had always thought the alcohol fueled rages and extreme violence of my father was causing my pain and to discover through therapy that it all went back to my mother brought me to my knees. I still can feel the pain that seeped from every pore when I realised I had been betrayed by the feminine since before I was birthed into this world. The therapy helped me immensely and I was able to work through some issues and be able to move forward on my path with at least a little clarity. Now and then in the following years something would happen that brought up that wound and it demanded to be looked at again.

Five years ago I embarked on my own self healing journey of the Mother/Feminine as I felt the time was right and I was feeling strong after gaining more life experience as well as reading for people and continuing some study. I read some wonderful books, had some more counselling and was able to talk to good friends that had experienced similar experiences. We all acknowledged that we had mother wounds and helped to nurture each other through out healing processes at the time. Picking at the scab of my mother wound was painful but not as painful as the last time I had done it. It was as well I experienced that healing when I did as some of the women I had gone on that healing journey with would betray me in the next couple of years and ripped open that wound yet again. I dived into that wound, up to my elbows in blood and snot and shit, crying so hard I was sure my heart would break right then. I needed to release it, not hold it in there as I had done in the past. I asked myself how could I be so stupid and trusting, then I came to the understanding that it was another step on the path of healing.

Recently I have experienced the same betrayal and deceit that I experienced with my mother but this time it was from women I thought I could trust, that I had taken into my my confidence, so I have had to take the inner journey once again. As I am in my Chiron Return cycle I had expected something challenging to come up but had no idea which direction it would come from. I had hoped all the work I have done would make this time easier for me but no, of course not. The last thing I expected was to hear from family after so many years, it sent me into a tail spin of confusion and fear.

My sister had found me after all these years and I was awash with emotions. I tried for a couple of months to have a relationship with her but she is more damaged than I am. Filled with hate and spite for all that have hurt her. She has not had a relationship with mother and father for 10 years and is bitter and twisted, bent on revenge. Her ex husband cheated on her so she hates him as well and gives him as much grief as she can. They live in different parts of the country which is just as well. Unfortunately she has two children that she treats just as our mother treated us. The eldest one has made a break from her and ran away to his father so he would have some peace. My sister did tell me that our mother had treated her children the same as she had treated us, being cruel and manipulative. I could not cope with her as she is now so have had to release my sister a second time which has caused me the most intense pain and despair, I can’t explain in words what it did to me, I feel empty and broken, that wound gaping open like never before.

In the coming weeks I am going to take myself into nature and try to reconnect with my heart. It is scattered all over right now and I am finding it challenging to just get through the every day things I need to do. If I still feel this way when I return home I will be having more therapy to get through this difficult stage of my middle years. I am so sad right now, it is overwhelming. Through my work I often wonder how people can keep going after experiencing so many heart wrenching episodes in their lives, I feel I will be able to answer that for myself soon.

If you carry this wound, this heavy burden please take great care of yourself and your heart. Seek help when you need to and try to come to terms with this greatest pain of all… Mother.

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The Moon. Sea of the Unconscious. Our greatest wound. Addiction and Soul Agreements.

In the Moon Tarot card there is a vast sea pictured in the foreground, this represents our unconscious. In its depths are all our memories, our past, our pain and our greatest wound. Way down at the bottom where the crayfish dwells is our ‘stuff’ which is usually tightly bound up in a box of our own making. It is a courageous person that willingly takes the journey down to into the murky depths to retrieve their ‘stuff’. It is essential that we go down to these depths and bring out that box of ‘stuff’ so we can see it by the light of the Moon. If we don’t our ‘stuff’ will pop into our awareness at the most inconvenient times. It just doesn’t go away, it must be dealt with. For many, the fear of going down into the sea of the unconscious is more frightening than what the box contains. Remembering the last time you brought the box out into the light, the emotions you experienced and the way you felt as you looked at those hurts. Recalling the pain and distress they caused you at the time and trying to reconcile them within yourself can be overwhelming. The path we must follow when we crawl out of the sea is the path of instinct and it indicates we must follow that path straight through the middle of the mountains, trusting ourselves and relying on our inner compass to take us to the next stage of our healing journey. After recently becoming free of addiction I felt that there was a big blockage in my solar plexus but could not identify exactly what it was. I could feel a lump there and knew it was time to have some healing/insight to remove this block.

So I booked myself in with a Shamanic Healer that came highly recommended. I knew it was going to hurt but I was ready to dive down into my vast inner sea once again. As I was driving to the appointment I had a feeling that it was going to be a powerful healing experience for me. I have been healing my past for many years and now I was completely clean & sober I knew it was time for a big shift. The Shaman greeted me at the door and smudged me which I am very familiar with. We then went inside and sat in his sitting room where we had a chat. I spoke to him of my pain and my greatest wound which still remained unresolved in my unconsciousness and in my dreams. We then proceeded into his healing room. As soon as I lay on the table I knew it was going to be a profound experience as I could feel the emotions stirring deep inside me. We spoke of many parts of my past, going right back into my childhood – visualizing and healing things along the way. Then we got to the big one, a past relationship that ended when I was 32 years old A.K.A my greatest wound. This relationship with D lasted 9 years and I knew there was something different about it compared to all the others I had been in. As we worked through what happened and my feelings toward it the Healer went quiet. When he started talking to me again he indicated to me that there was a Soul Agreement in place within the relationship and we were in fact Soul Mates. The words that he spoke next provoked such a response from me which I never could have seen coming. He told me the following words were spoken between myself and D and these words were in our agreement “We will always be together, I will never leave you”. At that point I felt such an all encompassing sadness that words cannot describe, a primordial sound welled up from the depths of me and came out as a cry/sob/heart wrenching pain, I started sobbing uncontrollably. My Soul recognised those words and remembered our agreement along with the pain I had gone through 17 years ago. It took me some time to cry this out and to regain my composure (if that’s what you can call it). I continued to cry/sob for 5 days afterwards.

Since that day I have come to some resolve within myself and to understand more about myself and my past through that healing. Now when I look back it is like I am seeing someone I knew really well, rather than myself. I have great compassion for that woman and understand the grief she carried for so long. I was feeling a lot better after a very challenging and emotionally exhausting couple of weeks until a couple of days ago when I caught up with a fear friend. As I was speaking of my experience to her the emotions came back again & I started to cry in a busy cafe, with no tissues of course!!! I then knew it was finally time for me to write about my experience. So here it is. I am so relieved I no longer fear my inner world and to feel my emotions, the drugs put paid to all of that for a long time as I medicated myself against feeling anything at all. That journey down deep into the pool of my unconscious changed everything and has given me a much better understanding of what really lies at the bottom. It is not for the faint hearted.  As I am currently experiencing my Chiron Return it is extremely appropriate that I took this healing journey and know I can move forward on my path until next time. I feel I can see things more clearly for now.

Though things can be extremely deceptive by the light of the Moon…

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Spirituality. Heart and how being a Medium has changed my life…

I have been on a wonderful journey these past 15 years. Since the first event I did as a professional reader my life has changed in so many ways. I remember feeling so nervous as I walked into the venue where the Psychic Fair was being held as I knew that it was a changing day in my life… but could not have had any concept of how my life was going to unfold from that day forth. I am so happy right now and my feeling of purpose is very strong and clear. I live my life through my spirituality and my belief in the power of the Universe.

I have grown in leaps and bounds, learned so much, evolved, healed a lot of my past, learned how to forgive as well as come to an understanding of the power of myself and of the Universe. My heart has opened right up and I am more than willing to share it with others. My awareness of the whole allows to me help myself and others in wonderful ways. Being a channel has helped me to help not only others but also myself to heal. I have had wonderful glimpses and felt the all encompassing LOVE of ‘the other side’ and feel blessed to be able to experience such profound things.

I was able to visualise a number of years ago events and situations, the path that my life was going to take and it has turned out even better than I pictured. Now I am well on my way to where I want to be and no doubt there will be things that pop up to surprise me as I know we are never shown everything and that’s perfectly OK… I am open to all future experiences, I trust implicitly in my guides, the power of the Universe and my own abilities.

Don’t be afraid to visualise your future, to tell the Universe what you want… but mostly to open your arms and heart to the opportunities & wonderful experiences available to us all. Be present in your life & stake your claim, your place in the big picture. Believe in yourself & know you CAN do whatever you want to do, have trust & patience- they will serve you well. Fear has no place in our journey forward.

‘All is in divine & perfect order right now’

Lee SoulShine x

In Between Worlds. The Inner Journey. Blood, Decay, Tears and Love…

The last handful of years have been profound. I have experienced great growth as well as great pain. I have lost sight of who I was, that woman is no more, but I am unable to see the woman that is growing in to being. This deep transition that I am going through,  I never could have dreamed of experiencing, and it is one that has brought me to my knees. It only takes a small part of your past to come back to make you look in to that wound that you hoped had healed but in your deepest soul knew that it hadn’t. There was time and space to go back down in to that place of tears and wounding. The betrayal, mistrust and soul wrenching heartbreak that never leaves you, you merely find a place to put it so it doesn’t pick and scratch and worry that deep wound.

This is my inner journey now, a course I am required to navigate with no compass or map, only my senses, my heart and my inner knowing. It is so painful it has crippled me at times as I slowly adjust to the not knowing and breaking down of who I thought I was. I find myself listening to the words I speak and have become much more aware that those words are meant for my ears. My psychic awareness is extremely heightened as are my emotions, at times I am sure my heart will burst inside my breast and I will feel the warm blood oozing through my entire being.

I understand how important the journey is and it is my focus now, not the destination. The journey is for the soul, the destination is the ego’s playground. Nobody else can accompany me on that journey, it’s a solo expedition. I feel soon I must retreat from the world and try to find some of those broken pieces of myself, perhaps to put them back together, perhaps not. My soul longs to shine, to express itself and this will happen when I can bury my feet in to the earth, all my senses embracing the decay of nature along with the decay of my past and the pain it brings.

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Lee Soulshine x

Namaste and Welcome

My name is Lee SoulShine.

I have been on my path of self discovery for almost 20 years and have much love and wisdom to share.  I am a Writer and Blogger, Bookworm, Psychic, Guide and Wise Woman. I embrace the Goddess in all her forms and am going through a period of great transition right now. I would love to share some of that with you if you have time to read my words.