The last handful of years have been profound. I have experienced great growth as well as great pain. I have lost sight of who I was, that woman is no more, but I am unable to see the woman that is growing in to being. This deep transition that I am going through, I never could have dreamed of experiencing, and it is one that has brought me to my knees. It only takes a small part of your past to come back to make you look in to that wound that you hoped had healed but in your deepest soul knew that it hadn’t. There was time and space to go back down in to that place of tears and wounding. The betrayal, mistrust and soul wrenching heartbreak that never leaves you, you merely find a place to put it so it doesn’t pick and scratch and worry that deep wound.
This is my inner journey now, a course I am required to navigate with no compass or map, only my senses, my heart and my inner knowing. It is so painful it has crippled me at times as I slowly adjust to the not knowing and breaking down of who I thought I was. I find myself listening to the words I speak and have become much more aware that those words are meant for my ears. My psychic awareness is extremely heightened as are my emotions, at times I am sure my heart will burst inside my breast and I will feel the warm blood oozing through my entire being.
I understand how important the journey is and it is my focus now, not the destination. The journey is for the soul, the destination is the ego’s playground. Nobody else can accompany me on that journey, it’s a solo expedition. I feel soon I must retreat from the world and try to find some of those broken pieces of myself, perhaps to put them back together, perhaps not. My soul longs to shine, to express itself and this will happen when I can bury my feet in to the earth, all my senses embracing the decay of nature along with the decay of my past and the pain it brings.
Lee Soulshine x