These words have been brewing within me for some time, just waiting for the moment they would be written, released out into the world for others to see my pain, my shame, my heartbreak. Current events have brought this to the forefront of my thoughts and emotions so here goes…
The Mother wound is the most painful wound we experience and for women it is particularly difficult. It colours everything we do , how we behave with every person we come in contact with, every relationship we become involved in and how we express and feel our emotional side. If you were not mothered well, if your mother was absent, or abusive in any way you will have a wound. This wound is deep, so deep in fact many of us do not realise we have it until we have grown and matured enough to gain insight into our deep inner world.
My mother has never been stable and I believe she has an un-diagnosed mental illness that causes extreme mood swings, her to be cruel, manipulative and extremely controlling. She was not the type to hug you or tell you she loved you but was ready to put you down or slap you at the nearest opportunity. She never had a good grip on reality, was a compulsive liar and that coupled with a violent alcoholic father that beat his wife five nights out of seven ensured I lived in survival mode for the better part of my childhood. I understood early in the peace that I had to protect my younger siblings as much as I was able, as well as trying to keep myself together. I became the parent to my brother and sister and looked after them.
Finally when I was 18 I got the opportunity to escape the chaos that was my home and left my whole family behind as I could not cope any more, my gentle soul was slowly dying like a flower that has not been watered and nurtured. The violence, blood, deceit, manipulation and betrayal had become more than I was able to deal with so I consequently left behind my parents, my siblings, my relatives and anyone that knew or had a relationship with my parents… I was on my own, deeply wounded, sick to my soul and fearful.
The first few years were incredibly difficult as I stumbled through life trying desperately to find the fragments of myself and piece them back together after an extremely painful and toxic childhood. I looked to women older than myself for guidance as I was so confused and unsure what it was to be an adult woman. Of course I chose the wrong men but fortunately not the alcoholic/violent ones, I promised myself I would never get involved with my ‘father’ in a love relationship. Rather I chose the nasty, spiteful ones just like my mother.
It wasn’t until I began 12 months of intense therapy and started studying Tarot and Astrology that I could really identify what the constant heart wrenching pain was, those 4 years of learning changed myself and my life. I had been going through this excruciating pain for so long it had become a part of me and when times got tough I spewed out the poison that had been my life up until then. My emotions were so raw they frightened off anyone that got close enough to experience them. I had always thought the alcohol fueled rages and extreme violence of my father was causing my pain and to discover through therapy that it all went back to my mother brought me to my knees. I still can feel the pain that seeped from every pore when I realised I had been betrayed by the feminine since before I was birthed into this world. The therapy helped me immensely and I was able to work through some issues and be able to move forward on my path with at least a little clarity. Now and then in the following years something would happen that brought up that wound and it demanded to be looked at again.
Five years ago I embarked on my own self healing journey of the Mother/Feminine as I felt the time was right and I was feeling strong after gaining more life experience as well as reading for people and continuing some study. I read some wonderful books, had some more counselling and was able to talk to good friends that had experienced similar experiences. We all acknowledged that we had mother wounds and helped to nurture each other through out healing processes at the time. Picking at the scab of my mother wound was painful but not as painful as the last time I had done it. It was as well I experienced that healing when I did as some of the women I had gone on that healing journey with would betray me in the next couple of years and ripped open that wound yet again. I dived into that wound, up to my elbows in blood and snot and shit, crying so hard I was sure my heart would break right then. I needed to release it, not hold it in there as I had done in the past. I asked myself how could I be so stupid and trusting, then I came to the understanding that it was another step on the path of healing.
Recently I have experienced the same betrayal and deceit that I experienced with my mother but this time it was from women I thought I could trust, that I had taken into my my confidence, so I have had to take the inner journey once again. As I am in my Chiron Return cycle I had expected something challenging to come up but had no idea which direction it would come from. I had hoped all the work I have done would make this time easier for me but no, of course not. The last thing I expected was to hear from family after so many years, it sent me into a tail spin of confusion and fear.
My sister had found me after all these years and I was awash with emotions. I tried for a couple of months to have a relationship with her but she is more damaged than I am. Filled with hate and spite for all that have hurt her. She has not had a relationship with mother and father for 10 years and is bitter and twisted, bent on revenge. Her ex husband cheated on her so she hates him as well and gives him as much grief as she can. They live in different parts of the country which is just as well. Unfortunately she has two children that she treats just as our mother treated us. The eldest one has made a break from her and ran away to his father so he would have some peace. My sister did tell me that our mother had treated her children the same as she had treated us, being cruel and manipulative. I could not cope with her as she is now so have had to release my sister a second time which has caused me the most intense pain and despair, I can’t explain in words what it did to me, I feel empty and broken, that wound gaping open like never before.
In the coming weeks I am going to take myself into nature and try to reconnect with my heart. It is scattered all over right now and I am finding it challenging to just get through the every day things I need to do. If I still feel this way when I return home I will be having more therapy to get through this difficult stage of my middle years. I am so sad right now, it is overwhelming. Through my work I often wonder how people can keep going after experiencing so many heart wrenching episodes in their lives, I feel I will be able to answer that for myself soon.
If you carry this wound, this heavy burden please take great care of yourself and your heart. Seek help when you need to and try to come to terms with this greatest pain of all… Mother.
leesoulshine 